Sorry, Virginia, space aliens have not visited Earth

OPINION:

If you are a believer in visitors from outer space, this is your moment. The feds have declassified UFO files, there is a new documentary on alleged UFO sightings, and, of course, the new Steven Spielberg film, “Disclosure Day,” is doing boffo box office.

I am sorry to burst your space-helmet bubble, but it is all bunk.

UFO fascination is driven by our natural curiosity, and Hollywood’s monetization of it only spurs it further. Maybe part of our fascination with extraterrestrial beings stems from our dissatisfaction with earthly inhabitants. Whatever the reason, it seems we are never satiated by the endless stream of mysterious videos and photos of alleged UFOs.

Yet if you look closely, the case for extraterrestrials does not add up.

In fact, it is largely dependent on tropes from the space dramas we love so much. For instance, we have been brainwashed into thinking explorers from other planets adhere to a strict code of noninterference.

These enlightened beings care about our freedom to make our own decisions, no matter how disastrous, because they are deeply committed to civilizational autonomy. If the aliens inserted themselves into our affairs, we might be tempted to emulate the peace and harmony they have achieved.

Nonetheless, it must be really frustrating for them to watch us make a mess of everything. This theory holds up about as well as a tower of Rice Krispies treats in the Sahara.

Of course, plenty of horror movies feature monstrous space creatures bent on destroying humans, but I do not think such portrayals are nearly as fixed in our minds as Mr. Spielberg’s vision of benevolent and superior space visitors.

Many, if not most, of us have bought into the idea of aliens such as the ugly-cute E.T., who is intellectually and morally more advanced than we are. E.T. not only loves kids (and is loved by them in return), but he can also adapt primitive children’s toys into sophisticated communication devices pretty much at will.

Yet apart from blockbuster movies, why should we think space aliens are benevolent? They may just as well be devoid of empathy for lesser beings, as we often are when we callously step on bugs in our path.

If they were virtuous, surely they would be sickened by how we interact with one another. They might well conclude that the human race is a threat to cosmic peace and destroy us for the good of the universe.

Another silly idea we have embraced is that aliens just want to study us; they do not intend to interact with us. We are merely a curiosity to them, and besides, as noted, they do not want to meddle in our affairs.

Yet scientists say our nearest possible intelligent “neighbors” in outer space are a minimum of 33,000 light-years away from us — just a stone’s throw across our galaxy. So, assuming that these neighbors have the technological know-how to travel at the speed of light, it would take them 33,000 years to reach us. It would be odd if they traveled that far and did not introduce themselves, or if they quickly conquered us and made us their supplicants.

Folks often insist that aliens have been to Earth only to be concealed by our nefarious governments, but it is preposterous to conclude that visiting space aliens are unable to bypass the U.S. government — or any other government, for that matter — if they so desired.

People who insist that the government knows of alien visits tend to be deeply conspiracy-minded, which tells you something. Is it reasonable to assume that highly intelligent, advanced interplanetary visitors cannot reveal themselves directly to Sally and Joe Public, rather than having to go through a bunch of federal bureaucrats? Or that the feds could keep knowledge of an alien presence secret for so many years, as claimed?

Surely any aliens who came across us would be amazed to discover another intelligent life form in the universe. They also would want to initiate contact and learn about us in person. Since they had made the effort, they would likely announce themselves to us, with or without government approval — perhaps by taking over everyone’s TV simultaneously and speaking in each nation’s own tongue(s).

Or maybe they would take over the halftime show at the Super Bowl, likely making it more interesting and less weird than recent halftime shows.

So, go ahead and enjoy the absurd speculation and entertainment about the existence of aliens. It gives us a break from the problems on Earth. When real space aliens finally show up from some distant galaxy, you can be sure you will not miss it.

• David Culver Brenner is a writer who lives in Northern Virginia. He is the author of two books, “The Un-Socialist Chickens” and “Are Evangelical Christians Hypocrites? How Being Born Again Transforms People and Shapes Their Worldview.” His blog appears at SpoofsandProofs.com.